Aggression, toughness, laxity in the parents

I want to go back to a discussion I started some time ago, about more or less young children and their relationship with adults, or better still it would be to say about the relationship that adults have with more or less young children.
I had thus, very hastily and generically, analyzed what were the rather strange relationships that adults have towards small children, taking as adults all people of a certain age, the so-called mature people who somehow approach and approach children; tonight I would like to analyze the problem from another point of view, taking very, very particular adults, those who for the child are the Parents: the mother and the father.
Mother and father who do not need to be the biological parents of the child, but mother and father as educators of the child.

If the child is frightened by hearing strangers scream in his ears, if the child is agitated by seeing the "strange" faces that adults make, if the child may be upset, frightened or, in extreme cases, terrified, by the "faces" that adults do to him a few meters away from his face, he is not overcome by these emotions and these feelings when these adults are the parents.
So it can be said that a parent, a father or a mother, provided that from the beginning he has been able to establish a good relationship with his own creature, can do anything that the child does not suffer, does not suffer from it in a particular way.
This is because, if the adult has been able to establish from the beginning (and this is important and basic I would say) a good relationship with his child, this child will begin to have extreme trust in his parents, trust that it will allow you to let your parents do anything.

But we see these parents as they cope with their child; generally the parent projects all the best feelings onto his own creature, projects onto his child what he thinks love is, projects what he thinks is purity, ingenuity, nobility of mind, honesty and the like.
But unfortunately, if this creature of his at some point succeeds (and very often he also succeeds well) to tire the parent and make him angry, to do "tantrums" to the point of making him lose his patience, alas, the parent begins by projecting all his aggression on his own son.
Ah, the aggression that lashes out at one's creature, or with the classic "spank", or with the words spoken in an "altered" tone of voice, or even with "screams", or with anger, or with feelings that do think how fragile, in reality, is the love that the parent thinks he feels for his own creature.
Oh, you have been caught out, Francesco; You shouldn't have said this because the Guides themselves have always affirmed, and will continue to affirm it, that those who truly love can also be tough.
This is true, it suits me, I accept it, I subscribe to it and I confirm it: only those who truly love, only those who know the Love can be severe, hard on the person they love. But from there, that is, from knowing how to be hard on the people you love, to being aggressive the difference is enormous.
Certainly even Christ, at least from the things that have been told about him, it seems that at a certain point, exasperated, exacerbated by certain behaviors, he really lost his patience and went - as they say - a little "out of head ", doing something certainly not attributable to an" enlightened one ", or to a" child of God ", or to a person who would seem to have truly achieved a evolution so high as to constitute a destination for many other individuals.
And this is where the big problem arises!
Because, you see, it's very important to make some distinctions; it is very important to choose, to distinguish between what is pure and simple aggression, and therefore an individual's need to discharge their accumulated tensions, perhaps for who knows what reasons, e hardness used as a weapon to promote understanding of the person you are loving.

So, let's try to distinguish the various moments for these parents, and let's try to shed some light in this speech.
Let's say that io be a father; I have my baby here in front of me, my baby is carrying out an action that could do her damage in the long run. Taking Ananda's fable as a starting point, my behavior should be to tell him: “Mind you, my son; be careful ”and then give it back to him, and then give it back to him again, then again, again, and, in the end, move on to the so-called hard ways, so that the child comes to understanding. And so far I think you are all in agreement, so far - as they say - it doesn't rain; and it suits me perfectly, as it does each one of you perfectly well.
This would be part of right behavior and would be very similar to the behavior of Christ in that famous temple.
But unfortunately I am a human creature, I have my moments of anger, I have my moments of tension, tension accumulated because, who knows, maybe in the office, where I work, things went badly, because my office manager found fault about the work I have done, or because I can't communicate and understand myself with my partner, or because, still in the office, some young lady has passed by who seemed a little more beautiful than my partner and I therefore mix something in my head that I can't understand, or any other reason you want.
Here is how my child, my creature, the creature that I have dared to bring into the world, does something that only annoys me, something that - even in the long run - would not cause any harm, and this stimulates my aggressive reaction.
To be even clearer: I arrive home in the evening with a myriad of thoughts in my head, of worries, and therefore of tensions, and I find my creature who delights in playing the trumpet.
My creature plays the trumpet and has fun and laughs; that trumpet sound disturbs the course of my thoughts, makes me nervous, makes me jump on my nerves, and then at a certain point it happens that I use hardness towards my creature, hardness that is not motivated by the desire to understand something to my son, but it is hardness that comes only from my selfish, very personal need to have a moment, two moments, three moments, maybe even the whole evening, of tranquility to continue the course of my thoughts.
"Yes sure - you will say - but on the other hand it is not right that the child continues to play the trumpet for hours and hours." But I agree, God forbid; not only would it annoy you but also the whole neighborhood; but from there to using the harsh methods, useful only for unloading one's aggression on that creature, the step, dear ones, is actually enormous, because the same result - that is to make your son stop playing the trumpet by making him understand how much that sound can tire not only me, but also all the other people who are victims of this annoying sound - it could have been achieved using other methods without finding the trigger, the famous drop, to release all one's aggression, to release all tensions born from personal problems and therefore not involving your child.

And these mistakes, and these things, unfortunately, are very common to parents, both mothers and fathers (and I would say that, observing men, these behaviors are distributed equally among mothers and fathers, even if currents of thought tend to to attribute greater aggression to some rather than to the other), they frequently act in this way, even if unfortunately (I have to say it once again) they are disguised in the minds of parents as strictly necessary behaviors for their creature to reach understanding.
Oh no, my dear, distinguish: I do not want to tell you, mind you, that you must be so evolved towards your children that you never have the moment when you lose patience; I mean that you have to be very careful about how you behave in moments of hardness towards your children, to observe how much this hardness of yours truly arises from the need to make your creature understand something, or instead arises from your need to release a tension on that creature that is there in front of you at that moment and that so easily offers you the opportunity to do so.
This is the very important point, also because by observing men (I have left the physical world for a long time and therefore I have been observing men for a long time from a very different perspective, so I could understand many things that I did not understand before) I could see how these forms of severity, of harshness in education, are very often associated with forms of laxness almost limitless.
And this is one of the worst damages.

I have noticed, for example, that the trumpet played for hours in a moment of tension stimulates the aggressive reaction, the hard reaction carried out with the sole purpose of releasing one's inner tension; in a moment, however, of relaxation, in a moment of tranquility, in a moment in which the parent is in ideal conditions because everything is going well for him, perhaps even with that young lady who aroused somewhat strange thoughts, he leaves let your son play the trumpet for a few hours. Also because, all in all, that sound could appear to the parent a hymn of joy precisely because things are going well for him, thus forgetting how annoying that noise can be, even if it sounds, to the ears of the neighborhood.
How many times do you adopt a line of hardness for certain actions and, perhaps the next day, for those same actions you adopt a line of condescension! Compliance and toughness must go hand in hand, be balanced, given, used at the right time and in the right conditions.
If you are bothered by that famous trumpet and if you think that that famous trumpet can harm other people, if not your son, then every time he plays the trumpet you should always try to make him understand that it is not right that he does it because it could disturb. someone; and this does not always happen.
So this poor parent who finds himself in front of that little creature who is his son, who had the audacity to give birth, who desired him, who waited for him for a long time, who saw him come to the world so small and defenseless, in need of care, and which has seen it grow every day, develop its physical, mental and emotional abilities; thus, this poor parent, at times, and with a certain frequency in particular environments, finds in his own creature an ally to give vent to his own immaturity, his own dissatisfaction, his own inconstancy, his own unhappiness; unhappiness that is building on its own, almost as if it blames the child himself to be the cause of these inner emotions of him; emotions that he feels and will continue to feel until he is able to truly love even that little creature of him. Francesco


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7 comments on “Aggression, harshness, laxity in parents”

  1. Good evening, in addition to following the messages through this page I would like to have with me a text of the Ifior Circle to read, but I don't know which one I can start from. Is there a recommended order that you usually suggest to follow for the readings? Thanks to who will answer me.
    Laura🌹

    Reply
    • Hi Laura, I'm Roberto.
      I answer you in a personal capacity and based on my direct experience.
      The production of CI is boundless and in fact it is not really easy to find your way around.
      For me, and for my role in life, the reading of the series “The one and the many” was decisive.
      12 volumes, where each volume is divided into sections:
      The way of life, the way of the mind, the way of questions, the way of the heart ..
      According to inner dispositions and personal preferences, each one favors one way or the other.
      For example, I first read the path of the mind, the one that contains the philosophical teaching, of each volume, about a thousand pages distributed over the 12 volumes, then I read only some parts of the other paths, those that interested me.
      This must be emphasized: philosophical teaching is essentially in the way of the mind; the ethical-moral one is distributed everywhere.
      In those volumes you will find the fundamentals, in my opinion: starting from the bases they provide you, you can deal with the very interesting material of the Annals that contain the communications of the last years of activity of the CI.

      Reply
  2. I was a parent.
    I can see many and many times, when they were little, those moments when I filmed them not for their sake but for my tension.
    How many times have I seen a 'young lady' of the most intriguing moment of my wife or partner buzzing in my head and I feel all the limit of what I could have given them and I have not given.
    I also think of all the games with my children that I played in the woods, in the puddles of wild boars, in the raging mountain streams that were cold in January, which I climbed up without a wetsuit and that I could not have done within a relationship that was putting me in plaster, in which I was no longer inside, due to my limitations as a boy who had found a father at 18 and who had discovered another world made of colors after 12 years (the previous greyness was obviously all mine!).
    A dullness of suffering which is the exact continuation of what I sowed before this present life of mine and which today are opportunities for understanding.
    Here, without realizing it, I gave life to that presentation of myself through an open letter of what my journey is, in this Portovenere balcony above the port, with the sea breeze coming in overwhelmingly to remind me of my maritime origins.

    Reply

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