What is respect? How can having respect for others really be defined?
Io I would say that, without looking for dictionaries and philosophical subtleties, perhaps the definition that may be more correct is to be able to take into account the needs of others.
"Not easy", you say.
Certainly that is not easy; and, on the other hand, you all know that if you live it is precisely because you must learn to understand others as well as yourself.
What do you usually do? Do you ask yourself whether you respect each other? No, if that were the case it would be a big step forward!
What you usually do is emphasize or emphasize that "the other does not respect you". This is because - I repeat - the question of respect, put in these terms, is simply a revolt of the ego of the individual who feels undervalued or unappreciated, not taken into consideration as he really would like.
Start with yourself, begin first of all - as well as giving respect to yourself and, therefore, taking into account "your" needs - to observe the respect you give to others. If you were sincere with yourself and observed yourself, you would realize that it is not much and that, in reality, in leading your everyday life, first of all, first of all, is what you want.
You see, putting your needs first, first of all, already means, in reality, not having respect for others.
Let's focus for a moment on this "respect" that is expected of others.
In order for others to respect you, some very specific elements are necessary; first of all there is the need - based on the definition we have given - others understand your needs because, if they don't understand them, how can they respect them?
And here the first problem already arises, which seems an insurmountable mountain: "How is it possible that the other understands my needs?"; or, a slightly more malicious thought, clearly coming from the ego: "Why can't the other person ever understand my needs?".
“Perhaps - you will say - because there is also his ego that pushes”.
Certainly, this has its good reason in the movement of things, but I continue to tell you: "Bring your attention back to yourself, don't worry much about the other; if not to make the other a term of comparison to understand yourself".
Then ask yourself: "If the other does not understand my needs, does he not understand them because he does not want to understand them, or does he not understand them because I have not been able to make him understand them?".
You, this evening, spoke mainly - because it is a topic that obviously “touches” many of you - of the relationship between parents and children.
Now, it is easy, in the parent-child relationship, for a parent to use the concept that has been expounded lately, namely the fact that the parent has already passed the age of the child, small or large, while the child - not having past the age of the parent - cannot understand the parent himself.
It is not true; I must say that this concept is absolutely not true; because there are parents who, although they are many years older than their children, in reality are absolutely unable to understand the inner movements of their children; just as there are children who, despite being very young, are able to meet, recognize and understand the needs of their parents.
Your considerations could be true if you look at parents and children only in the context of the ego, in the context of the incarnation that one is living, but you know - most of you, at least - that individuals, in the course of an incarnation, they have a whole baggage of life experiences that they have brought with them over time and, therefore, have already tried all the parts of that drama, of that immense play that is the continuous birth and rebirth within the planet ; and therefore there is, however it may be, the possibility of understanding anyone or not.
The problem is not "the possibility of understanding or not"; the problem is wanting to do it, being able to be honest with sé yourself and observe yourself in such a way as to be able to understand how much you want to meet the needs of others, how much you manage to respect the needs of others; and don't tell me (as I have often heard) that children must be left to make mistakes!
Forgive me, but I do not agree with this concept at all. The children, in reality, we must try not to make them mistake; we must communicate to them what is considered right and try to make them understand what is the right path they can take to understand better, to carry out their life better.
Certainly one should not "impose" one's idea, without this shadow of doubt; but it is the responsibility and duty of the parent, inherent in his very existence alongside the child, to put all the possibilities and mistakes that he can make before the child. Undoubtedly then it will be the son who decides, he will have to decide, introjecting or not, making him or not what is presented, accepting or rejecting him.
Certainly the child's freedom should not be denied in this; but the fact remains that the parent has the responsibility, has the duty, when he thinks that the child is wrong, to tell him and to try to make him understand where and why, "according to him", the child is wrong.
You see, the small difference between attacking the child, bullying the child, or taking into account the needs of the child, lies in those two little words I put in the sentence, or "according to him".
Communicating something to the other person because "according to oneself" what he is doing is something wrong, it means "having respect for the other"; it means showing the other a part of oneself in such a way that the other can also understand his needs and have respect for them; but, at the same time, I repeat, it means showing the other respect, as it takes into account what they would like and, keeping the relationship intact, the communication, showing what you really think about what could "in your opinion" be a mistake .
It is that "in your opinion" that you miss so easily, and if you remembered more often to use - but not as a phrase said just to say, but as a felt thing - the "in my opinion" when you make affirmations, many of your attitudes, your behaviors and even the reactions of the other would be different. Scifo
The parent-child relationship is, for me, a battlefield where the clash is always ready to ignite. Fatigue makes itself felt at certain moments, frustration is no less, it seems to me to do a lot but badly. I'll try to insert "in my opinion". Thank you
Thank you!
I feel very close to Mariella in her feelings in this difficult area. Many times the discouragement rises… but the need to start again from us also using new tools seems to me the only way.
In principle I agree, but I would make a distinction with the age of the children ... ... It is known that children provoke, they question you, they know how to juggle our weaknesses and insecurities. So our credibility, our firmness and clarity play a decisive role ... And this is where I would insert the "in my opinion", which is not disrespect or prevarication, but a strong message to warn them about the dangers and not to give in to blackmail, a strategy they often resort to ... Since emotional relationships are at stake, it is always, however, a difficult area in which to move ... and maybe without too many pretensions, we also learn to be parents….
Thank you!
thank you
it's not easy, it's a bit like being transmitter and receiver at the same time,
mouth and ear.
The “family” workshop is immense, it is definitely the place where I can give my worst, but fortunately not always!
Respect means honesty, expressing what you think, anticipating it from a "in my opinion" ...
Mariella do we want to have a meeting to share problems related to the children?
????
I gladly welcome the idea of a confrontation on this important existential area. thank you
The "in my opinion" immediately relativizes, if heard, our point of view. However, a lot of awareness is needed in order not to identify with it, which automatically absolutizes it. And we often fall into this mistake.
How hard it is to be and to be parents!