The relationship with children in the first months and years of life (IF10)

Philosophical teaching 10
"But look, look how cute he is, will you give me a smile? Come on, give me a little smile, how cute you are! But what are you telling me, but give me a nice little speech, come on! You are really a marvel, but how can you be so beautiful? ».
And he looks at you.
If you could only imagine what is going through his mind, you would be amazed! Yes, behind those innocent eyes, so clear, so clear and clean, something is hiding that does not possess all the purity that the adult man believes. Already, in the mind of the recently born little one, thoughts that are very different from those one imagines could pass and form, for example thoughts of this type: "But after all, after all, I should even smile now, because then , when I am five or six years old, nobody will ask me to smile anymore, nobody will tell me to have a nice little speech anymore, nobody will tell me that I am so beautiful, indeed my little speeches will be unwelcome and boring, and my presence, above all in a group of adults gathered to talk to each other, it will not be too welcome, even if not manifestly! ».
The mind of that little one, still unable to speak and capable only of articulating disconnected sounds, might also think: "You look at these fools what they are doing, how they behave, but is it possible that adults, from whom io later i should take the example, behave so trivial? And then why do they behave so just and only with me? Of course, my dimensions are very small compared to theirs, my hands are small, so are my eyes, my nose, my mouth, everything in short, but, in reality, on closer inspection, I am like them, identical to them; and, then, why do they behave so strange only with me, while not with all other people? ».
The little one does not stop only to ask himself questions, he also wisely tries to give himself answers, since he knows many more things than you can imagine, even if this does not seem possible and, always very wisely, comes to the conclusion that it is advisable to accept this role of defenseless and tasty creature to the eye, in anticipation of what its future position and situation will be.
Yes, dear brothers, why does an adult behave in such a "strange" way (in the child's opinion) when faced with a baby? Maybe to show him his love, his affection? But love does not need to be demonstrated - this you should have learned by now - by making efforts, sometimes almost superhuman, to gather all the sweetness that you are capable of (and sometimes even more) and that you think you possess.
Or perhaps you project into that little one, precisely because it shows itself to you helpless and compliant, your disappointments, your bitterness, aspirations, frustrations, fears, anxieties, fears, desires, contrasts, inner struggles and if something else comes to mind, add it to us: the list can be endless!
Have you ever thought that, perhaps, that creature may be afraid to feel itself touched, touched, taken in the arms by all those hands that are different from each other? You have never thought that the creature can be frightened by seeing all those faces (also because, in general, when talking to the infant, one tends to put, incomprehensibly, one's face 10-20 centimeters from his) that make faces, smiles, moans, which frown on the forehead to be more sympathetic and which appear monstrously large to him? And then, perhaps, you will be surprised if at a later age, suddenly, the little one begins * to have night fears complete with nightmares in which monstrous creatures appear!
Maybe, you don't know, but if you left the little one in peace, away from your projections, quietly tied to his biological rhythms, if you let him live in his space full of serenity (because the little one is fine when he has his parents next to him. - or who for them - who in the first period of childhood are the only ones able to meet all his needs and needs, not only material but also spiritual) then yes that you would show him all your affection and your love!
But the most absurd thing, in all this absurd speech, the one that should make you meditate on the reason for your behavior, is the fact that all this does not happen with a child, I know, of five or six years, a child who begins precisely at that age to need interpersonal relationships with adults, which begins to experience "adults" as strictly necessary (always beyond the parents who, inevitably, always remain a different thing and of which we will speak in another opportunity) for their own maturation, but above all for their socialization.
No, those no, in reality they are much less gratifying, and do not give the same answer that the infant seems to give to everyone in equal measure, establishing a relationship with the child is definitely much more difficult and demanding: it understands when you are impatient for its presence and, at times, almost to test you or to exasperate you, he persists in that irritating behavior of his, at least for you. Sometimes you are tempted to tell him, and you do it, naturally with the utmost sweetness, so as not to hurt him! And you don't realize that, instead, you hurt him more in this way, because you teach him falsehood, deceit and hypocrisy, which even if today they seem to be the dominant virtues, they are certainly not among the noblest!
I am certainly not telling you that you have to unload all your aggression on the child, I am careful not to say such a thing; I simply want to say that it is useless for you to mask behind a false sweetness, fake at that particular moment, recited because it is linked to mental preconceptions, your state of mind that is certainly not among the best at that moment, because even if your voice it sounds sweet, mellifluous, pretty, your eyes don't express the same thing and the child notices it and gets hurt.
Sincerity then, openness without being afraid to show yourself who you really are, even in the eyes of the child who irritates you so much, who somehow affects your ego, almost in a competition to demonstrate which of the two has the stronger ego. What to do, therefore, to demonstrate one's affection, one's love for the child? Talk to him, considering him as an equal, being interested in his problems, silly for you, important to him, discussing with him maybe even just his favorite games, don't ignore him, leaving him alone and possibly in another room!
Of course they will establish a relationship with children when they already seem to have one personality your own, a constituted character, is not an easy thing, precisely because that I that you find in front of you and with which you timidly try to find a point of contact, is nothing but the exasperation of your I, which instead does not happen when you find yourself in front of a baby, which, yet, is not your mirror. So what do you discover in that mirror that scares you so much, that irritates you, that sends you into crisis, that inhibits you, that makes you lower your eyes, and that - in the most desperate cases - makes you want to run away?
Doesn't that I have all your needs brought to excess? Perhaps the child is not an egocentric being, eager for attention, not very humble, indeed not at all, in some cases sneaky and false in order to achieve his goals, moved in his actions by ulterior motives that gratify him or can gratify him, unable to lose and admit his mistakes, an individual who wants to be right at all costs, a being who persists and does not bend even in the face of evidence?
I stop here so as not to rage too much on that creature that in reality then, at least compared to the adult man, he carries with sé as many qualities (spontaneity, just to name one) that the adult man, on the contrary, seems to have forgotten with his growth.
"But look, look how cute he is, will you give me a smile? Come on, give me a smile, but how cute you are…. ».
And you smile, and you talk, and you hide behind your behavior, the fear of that unexplored and forgotten world that is the world of childhood. Francesco