Lately we have affirmed that you must not believe that what we have said up to this point is the final word of the spiritual teaching, but rather that the spiritual teaching that we, from time to time, give you is like the tip of the iceberg. , and that what there is still to say is like the rest of the iceberg, which is under the waves of the sea and which seems not to exist, but which is still so much compared to what emerges.
In fact, the spiritual teaching is always - as we have already said - evaluated and updated according to the intimacy of each of you and your changes; thus we could calmly resume what we have already stated up to this point on the various tendencies, the various problems, the various aspects of the individual and expand it enormously, under different angles and under different shades.
To give an example of this, this time I would like to speak briefly about a part of the teaching which, at first sight, may seem already abundantly explained, but which, on the other hand, has only been sketched out and which, however, is a very difficult part of teaching. , not only to be implemented, but also to be fully understood.
I am referring to what we have said about thehelping others.
"Helping others", something that the individual can never completely overcome, he can never completely escape from it, he cannot silence that longing that drives him to reach out to those who, in some way, prove to have need.
Let's leave aside - for this time - the difficulties that may exist on the part of those who intend to help, difficulties that very often prevent them from doing it in the right way, at the right time, because driven by their own impulses which, many times, lead them to perceive things wrongly or to highlight certain aspects just because, perhaps, they are important to him, while they may not be the same for people who need help; let's leave aside - I repeat - for now, this aspect which is in turn very complex, and let's face the introduction of another aspect of helping others that is equally and, perhaps, even more difficult and complex.
If, in fact, it is difficult to help "a person", the difficulties become almost insurmountable when it comes to having to help a couple.
As any person who is interested in psychological problems knows, the problems of the couple, the dynamism of the couple, are so complex and full of variables that from the outside it is very difficult to unravel an extremely tangled skein. Think that the couple is not made up of one Io, but from two I's, which interact with each other, bringing their defects and strengths into the relationship, and from this relationship clashes and encounters continue to arise.
The difficulties on the part of those who observe a couple from the outside and realize that they need help for particular difficult moments, arise from the fact that the relationship is looked at from the outside and that it is not always easy to be able to go beyond. of the mask presented individually by the two individuals making up the couple.
As an introduction to this problem - I repeat very arduous and very difficult - I remind anyone who has the drive, the desire to help couples, to always try never to act on just one member of the couple; to remember that more often than not, when a couple is going through one of those moments that are defined as "crisis", this happens because there is something in the relationship built that is only one-sided, that concerns only one of the people involved.
What happens then? It happens that by helping only one of the two individuals you run the risk of widening the gap between these two individuals while, on the other hand, if it is the couple you intend to help and not the individual, what matters is to be able to ensure that the components of the couple they are able to build (or reconstruct) together what must form the beautiful, useful element of their union.
This is a very important aspect to always remember: never become, for example, intimate or confidants of only one of the two components of the couple, because this could aggravate the situation by widening the gap between them.
Of course the problem can be faced even more in depth, but I would prefer, for this time, to stop only at the surface; also because making a general discourse that can contemplate every case of couples in need of help is practically impossible, since the dynamics of each couple is a thing in its own right, just as, on the other hand, each individual is an individual thing. sé standing; therefore to help individuals it is not possible to give a fixed rule, but it is necessary from time to time to be able to find the suitable formula for that typical individual, a means that, perhaps, with another individual may not have the same results or may even be harmful.
So to all of you, children, who so often feel the urge to help others, I mainly ask you to act with prudence, to always know how to listen a lot and carefully, and to try to follow the example that we have given you in all these months. we have offered, that is to have individuals themselves suggest to themselves how to find a solution.
This, children, in our opinion is the best way to help others in need. Very often feel participation, understanding of other people can be a very important stimulus, however there are particular cases, for example, in which this behavior can be negative and have negative effects; this happens for those people who make their problems, their victimhood, a way to be the center of attention.
Here, many times for these people the best behavior to keep to help them is not that of sweetness but of hardness, and the method of hardness, believe me children, is much more difficult to implement than that of gentleness.
So be careful how people who ask for help expose their problems and if you see them revolting in their victimhood, if you see that they use it to be the center of attention, if you see that through this continuous propose always the same problems and without wanting to seek a solution, they no longer care about the problems of others, the needs of others, the affections of others except in words, then that is the moment, children, not to give sweetness, not only to listen, but also to use a certain harshness to make it clear that, as long as this desired, sought-after victimization is not overcome, the situation will hardly be different, both as regards the individual and - and perhaps even more so - as regards the couple . Weather
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As far as I am able to understand, it is clear. More and more awareness is required, even towards those attitudes that move kindness and generosity and that tended to question me less because they are framed in the old right-wrong, good-bad dual logic.
Thank you.
I believe that, if you are not a specialist in this field, it is impossible and undesirable to help a couple, because as Moti points out, the dynamics of two identities that are in such a close relationship are difficult to grasp and understand. It may happen that one of the two parties asks for advice, in that case, you can help the person to see their actions and reactions in the relationship, trying to change what is modifiable, without ever making judgments about the other person.
Important stimuli also for those who do not make the helping relationship a vocation of their life. How many times do we happen to have to do with a friend or relative, who turns to us in search of listening and understanding. We can not think in terms of helping the other, but of simply being available to welcome whoever we have in front of us, yet even in this simple availability we can meet the risks mentioned in the post in question, giving rash and improper advice or supporting the other in his victimhood.
“Practicing the method of hardness (moved by love) is much more difficult than that of gentleness”. Sacrosanct words.
Very often an identification is hidden in the gesture of help to the other. Many times I have experienced this especially in the past. Then I also saw myself as a protagonist in giving and sometimes in giving badly
For several years I have been dedicating myself to the "helping relationship", within the family counseling center in Senigallia. I have never dealt with couple relationships, but only with individuals. The fear of being partial has always held me back. I have repeatedly said that it would be necessary to face counseling as a couple, so as to be able to balance the dynamics. Unfortunately, the lack of male presence has never made this request possible. I have always been critical of my colleagues when I grasped their strong identity to demonstrate how good they were in solving various cases. I tried to warn against the narcissistic and egoic feeling, which moves some to volunteer in the context of the helping relationship, thinking they are "saviors", while they should pay more attention to their own identity motions. While there has been appreciation and reflection on these concepts on the part of some, for others they have seemed inappropriate and presumptuous. When Moti says that sometimes hardness is preferable to softness, I agree. For me, who naturally place myself in an attitude of welcome, it was an achievement to be able to not always be condescending. Always with a view to comparison and growth, but not always understood as such. The paradigm of the Path has often been illuminating, both in consulting practice and in observing the dynamics of the Team. This post helps me even more to understand the work I'm doing. Thank you.
It is not so simple or obvious what is said in the post. When I was asked I always had the impression that the words crossed me, at times they were useful or at least it seemed to me. I have to reread it better
cogito