Family relationships, the ability to listen

D - I wanted to ask you something: when within a family unit an affection - which logically exists - is experienced as a conditioning and therefore the individual does everything to shake it off ...

Relationships are necessarily affectionate, am I right in thinking that it is wrong to seek this detachment from the family of origin?

Detaching oneself from the family of origin means keeping one's affection intact while making one's own choices, one's life.

D - Well, if you can clarify the concept a bit, you know the problem I have.

Look, the discourse of detachment is a discourse we say "natural" precisely because, during theevolution of the embodied individual, there is always the moment of passage of affectivity from himself to his parents, from parents to siblings, from siblings to friends, from friends to companions, trying to widen this circle more and more and therefore there is the the impression of having to experience a detachment from the family.

In reality, the detachment - I repeat - can be physical, it can be of situations, it can be of interests, but the affection - if the affection was there at the start - cannot be completely annulled.
Certainly there is the task, the desire, precisely for the evolution of the individual, to seek new stimuli that perhaps the family no longer gives or does not allow to seek, and then it is natural that the child, in some way, a little at a time he moves away from the family to create for himself what is then his own family environment, without realizing that many times he then recreates the family he had in the family he will create.

So this link, this continuity always exists.
Then there is this wrong concept of conditioning; conditioning actually exists in all things, you know very well; you are always conditioned by something, at least you are conditioned from the outset by your consciousness, by yours feel; this already somehow limits and directs your choices because you choose based on what you have understood or what you have not understood, so feeling the conditioning as a chain, in the end, many times becomes a way to shift the responsibility on others .

Certainly there are, in relationships, people who influence each other: many times we try - even without realizing it - to get something from the other, to want the other to behave in a certain way, in short, we also try unconsciously to condition the other according to their own desires, however the problem is being able to understand what you want to do, what you want to be, without expecting the other to change at that point.

D - What bothered me was the sense of guilt for what one would like to do but are no longer able to do towards the family of origin. There remains this sense of guilt for not doing, but on the other hand you don't want to do it.

But, you see, guilt is also the typical argument that is used by the individual to throw out something that is internal. If you are sincere in your actions, if your intention is sincere, if you are convinced of what you are doing, you will never feel guilty, whatever other people say or do to you.
If you feel guilty it is because, in reality, what you are doing or have done was motivated by something that you do not want to acknowledge even to yourself.

D - Going back to the previous questions, including mine, I thought that the most difficult thing - I believe, for all or almost all - is to be able to express oneself freely, therefore one excludes oneself from the beginning from a moment of possible clarity comparison , of dialogue. So how can this be overcome? According to me, io I am convinced that it is much better to express oneself in any case and try to clarify rather than live with distortions and recriminations, possibly, and then also with feelings of guilt for not wanting to start this type of dialogue.

But I have a slightly different idea from yours.

D - As always!

You have said that you are of the opinion that it is good to express yourself and talk, in order to eliminate these problems; I say instead that the main point - this is my opinion, of course - is not this, because if one wants to express himself, in one way or another, with words or actions, he always manages to express himself.

The difficulty is that none of you are able to listen; this is the important point. You are all talented - you, for example, are very talented! - more to express in words than to listen to yourself and truly listen to others.

If you paid more attention to what you say and what others say, what you do and what others do, then you would undoubtedly be able to establish a different relationship because you would be able to better understand what your intentions are and sometimes what others are doing. more, perhaps, what are the intentions of others.

Instead that wonderful gift - as Scifo once said - that was given to you, which is the word, you almost always use it to create barriers with others, either by refusing to speak or by erecting very high walls of words placed one on top of the other that eventually become impenetrable, when they do not even collapse on you, on the others, causing problems for everyone.

So my advice would be - instead of creating new superstructures between you and others and also with yourself - of try to have moments of silence in which to listeninstead, carefully both yourself and other people.

This would be a better way to communicate, but you often experience the silence between two people as a moment of discomfort (because I observe you, sometimes, when you speak): if, out of the blue, two of you talking are silent. simultaneously for more than half a minute, here one begins to say: “Now what do I say? What would be better to do? What would be better to say? " and so on, and the other worries in the same way, until then maybe they say the first thing that comes to mind and it is, maybe, some nonsense or something they didn't mean.

The best way, however, would be to use those moments of silence for listen to the vibrations that are in you and in others and, on the basis of these vibrations, then try to let your feeling gush out.

Q – I have a problem that has a bearing on the subject we are dealing with, but it is the opposite, the opposite. I can't detach myself from the two children I have and make them fulfill themselves, move away from me and become independent. Do you think it's because I don't do enough or…

Maybe because you do too much.

D - ... or because I do too much, or can there be an external influence that prevents my will or that of these children from going through?

Look, I would speak of relationships within the family rather than of external influence. Unfortunately, one thing must also be considered: the current situation of young people is not very easy because the outlets for building one's own life are difficult to find, and most of the time when they are found they are not fulfilling and rewarding as one would like.

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So there is the attempt, at that point, to let it go, the attempt to shift attention, and the problem - as we said before - outside the family, ending up closing in that cocoon that, for better or for worse, gives a certain security and therefore makes you feel deceptively peaceful within that daily routine that is established over time.

Perhaps the problem between you is that you fail to stimulate yourself in the right way and, you see, when they are such personal situations, we cannot say a lot, we must try to give you stimuli to make you understand and here it is a bit difficult to give you a stimulus without ...

D - Know certain details.

No, even knowing the details, without being too explicit in such a way as to don't give the solution to us, because giving the solution to us means taking away the possibility of personally understanding - therefore with an addition of inner understanding - what the right behavior is.

I would say, however, these guys have to be pushed; they must be pushed as far as possible, yes, certainly they must be pushed as much as possible but not in an "aggressive" way, but trying to understand what the real interests are, what are the real directions that they can aspire to find in the future.

Certainly this implies, perhaps, opening up differently from how it was done until now ... how many times does it happen that one's children know each other but only under the impression that one had of them when they were still children.
In the meantime they have had experiences, they have stored certain kinds of relationships that you know nothing about, and it would be much better if you could get these guys to open up more.

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