D – If a child does something wrong, it's right io you express anger, in which case it is controlled, so that he understands that he has done a wrong thing.
Certainly.
D – And, therefore, he must have a rebuke.
Certainly. This is a mistake that you all make with your children, because you try not to show them your anger, instead you should confront them with your angry reactions because, in that way, they understand and become aware of where their mistakes may be. : instead you are afraid: «Poor things, then they are traumatized, then they remember it» Of course they remember it, it will be good if they remember it!
D – But even in the face of an argument in the couple, it's right that I bring out my anger to make me listen, to make me understand, to clarify the situation at the moment.
You can't make a bundle of all the grass. Let's remember that, since there are two people involved, the thing becomes doubly complicated, not to say quintuply doubled – because clearly the factors increase exponentially being two people, and therefore from one case to another the right way to react is difficult to define. Right for you? Right for him? Right for the company? Right for the family? Right for the kids?
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Let's say that, of course, if there is anger towards another person, be it a partner, a friend, or whoever you want, it would be right, however it may be, to be able to express it; to express it perhaps in the best way, but this you will only be able to do when you have begun to understand a part of your anger.
In the beginning, if you see your first incarnations, it simply came out as a reactive peak, and all sorts of things have always happened! What you do now, which may scare you, is nothing compared to what you have done in the past when faced with your outbursts of anger!
D – The examples given so far are relationships between individuals; but when instead the relationship is with many, in my case it is the class, the use of anger to demonstrate disagreement with behavior boys, at this point the question becomes complex, in the sense that the manifestation of my dissent towards the boys loses the pedagogical purpose, or not?
Let's say that, in this particular case, anger must have the function - as you said - pedagogical, show the kids what they are doing, through your reaction. The important thing is that it is an anger "conscious and governed" according to one's own purposes, not an explosion of anger for its own sake.
D – Exactly, but the problem is what then is the manifestation of this anger? That is, the note on the register (to take the classic example)…
Unfortunately, the demonstration in a school environment can only be to use the rules that allow anger to be expressed, therefore the punishments, unfortunately.
Q - Is it wrong?
It is not wrong.
D – The problem is that, in fact, the kids are angry because they have to come to school. Here, clearly this, depending on the year, because the smaller they are and the more this outward manifestation is evident, the bigger they are and the more obviously it is concealed in other ways.
Maybe the best thing would be to show him that you're angry too because you have to go to school, that if you could you would do things you like more!
But, you understand, dear, in the adolescent stage, what is the adolescent who is not angry? Ask our friend A.: he always seems so serene, peaceful and smiling, but inside, how many times are you angry and don't show it?
Precisely! It is quite a "cruising" condition of that age!
D – Undoubtedly, however, there is the problem that this thing has to be disciplined in some way; yes, that's fine, but up to a certain point…
Of course, you have to be able to show him rules, limits, stakes beyond which it is right not to go before doing something that he would then regret perhaps for life!
D – To induce a drop in this famous peak in the individual; because, probably, the meeting of two strong emotions (one anger and on the other hand fear) probably causes the annulment of both, but at the moment; then it's clear that these things are a bit like a volcano, they mix inside.
Theoretically speaking of the two contrasting emotions may be true, but most of the time it is not that the two emotions contrast but unite and, in some way, while lowering the tenor of one then increases that of the other. And then what happens? That fear certainly limits the rage that was about to explode, though rather than limiting it, it inhibits it. And when does it inhibit it? When there is the person who caused the fear.
When the person is no longer present, what happens is that anger comes out again and manifests itself in those behaviors that seem to me to be happening very often lately, of children being beaten or blackmailed and so on; but those are all angry reactions to what these kids are experiencing and who manifest through bullying with behaviors of this type, when the people who inspire fear are not present.
D – Yes, undoubtedly; so much so that it changes according to the teacher; in the sense that the teacher who is more scary because the subject is still more important, compared to the teacher who is less scary because maybe her subject has less weight.
Of course, theoretically, the teacher - by setting these fear mechanisms into motion - has the class more under control and has fewer problems; but maybe that's not the teacher's function, to have fewer problems, the function is to try to help the kids understand, get to know, study and have fewer problems; Why they are the ones who need help.
D – The problem is that in any case they look for an outlet valve and clearly use it where they know they can somehow be able to do it. I understand that one can also perform the social function in this sense, but in the overall dynamic, if the outlet valves are too few, the outlet becomes excessively violent and at that point it then becomes a problem for everyone, even for themselves, because then they hurt each other too.
Of course, it would be good if there were more physical activity, for example in schools, in such a way that the energies, the peaks, are more easily "spreadable" within one's own life, by the kids; on the other hand, physical activity is very little considered in your current school system.
There is not the right awareness that many of the problems exist because adolescents have these energy peaks that originate from many elements: sexuality, affection, the desire to detach from the family, the desire to do different things, curiosity ; they would probably be much easier to manage if the boys' energies were somehow channeled in other directions as well, if they were allowed to go out, to be expressed in other directions as well and, therefore, gradually diminishing all the inner peaks of their choices.
D – Psychologists support us, but that…
Yes, fine, but then it would take something other than a psychologist who comes once in a while, who doesn't give a damn about that kind of work, by the way, but only does it to supplement his income , Perhaps.
D – Yes, the problem is that a teacher is needed for each pupil, in a situation like this here…
This, unfortunately, is mass schooling. If you think of the ancient Romans and the ancient Greeks, they understood this and they tended to have just one teacher for every student, or for a small group of students. And in fact philosophers flourished, mathematicians flourished. Now the "punks" are flourishing, which are not quite the same thing, forgive me!
Q – Regarding physical movement, I also wanted to experiment with it on myself and it can actually be a new way to manage tension, or anger, whatever you want to call it..
It is valid for all types of peaks, eh!
D – Sure; but I believe that there is also another aspect behind it, the physical movement; is the fact that one shift your attention elsewhere.
All right. Certain.
D – I have the impression that – at least, always experimenting on my person – this is a crucial point; that is, the triggering of this process, the increase of this production of these substances even on a physical level which in some way cause anger to mount, arises precisely from the fact that I concentrate on that point and it becomes a vicious circle. Physical exercise, but it can also be something else, causes me to shift my attention elsewhere and inevitably I turn off the tap at the source, so it is clear that the process is somehow interrupted.
Certainly being able to focus attention on something that distracts from the explosion of the peak, allows the spike to melt without causing damage; for example, our friend F. does well to use the cards to help problematic children, because diverting their attention, making them put it on the cards that he, with so much love, presents them, helps them not only from a cognitive point of view, of learning or affective, but just a shift attention away from these states – towards the outside – which they are unable to express and which remain inside and therefore cause internal tensions.
D - When a child shows his anger by throwing himself on the ground and sometimes banging his head on the wall, it would be enough to be able to make him shift his attention so that this reaction decreases, without forcing him by saying: "Stay still, look what you're hurting yourself."
But, the possibilities are different. One is what you say, to shift attention; one is to sit next to him and say: «Come on, all right, go ahead, let's see how far you resist the pain, how far you want to get hurt»; you will see that, when he feels really bad, he still stops.
But I would say that mainly, for most of the grandparents who could never get to see if they really get hurt, perhaps the best thing, as always in these cases, is to try to distract attention; although, you distract attention, stop the situation, but do not solve the problem.
thank you